To Pay Or Not To Pay…

March 5, 2011 at 3:42 am (Uncategorized)

When I first decided to begin my search for my f-mother, I looked into requesting my non-identifying information as well as my identifying information from the state of Wisconsin.  As a poor, broke college student, I just couldn’t afford what they said it would cost me.

Luckily, I found a nifty little adoptee-centric forum online where I not only found the emotional support I needed, but I also found the help I needed to locate my f-mother.  I am lucky in that my a-mom was willing to tell me everything she knew.  I was a closed, private (read: non-agency) adoption.  My f-mom found my a-parents through one of her coworkers who was friends with a couple that knew my a-parents.  Unfortunately, during my search, that co-worker refused to give me any information, going so far as to slam the phone down in my ear.

I can forgive her, to an extent.  She’s a conservative politician in the fairly small town where I was born.  She probably didn’t want a scandal.  But as much as I still struggle to forgive her, I can’t help but be angry that she just assumed that I was some punk kid trying to ruin her life rather than a responsible adult trying to find her biological roots.

My a-mom did remember my f-mom’s name, the hospital and town I was born in, that my f-mom was married a few years after my relinquishment, that she did have a son after me whom she kept.  Another adoptee sifted through the county marriage records and found one woman with my f-mom’s first name and looked up her phone number for me.  I decided to ‘give it a whirl’ and struck gold.

I have since fallen out of contact with my f-mother.  We exchanged a few emails, talked on the phone a few times, and met face-to-face for about four hours in a Starbucks around the corner from her house… but she’s not so good at the communication thing.  Eventually the emails tapered off and she just stopped responding.  Luckily she did give me the name of my f-father.

As it turns out, she never told him she was pregnant.  Imagine his shock when he found out about me.  He’s been really fantastic as far as keeping in contact with me while still allowing me to have my space.  I know I should give him a call one of these days but I keep putting it off… I guess I have more of my f-mom in me than I thought after all.  But when I’ve disappeared for too long, he always sends me a simple message saying ‘I hope you’re well.  Miss ya.’ and it’s comforting.

My f-mom was very direct with me when I questioned her about my relinquishment.  She admitted that she lied on the adoption papers concerning the father and she did get around needing his consent.  I’m thinking about forking over the cash for my information from the state so that I can see exactly what happened.  No one saved any of the court papers or anything for me and I really, really want to see them… even if the state of Wisconsin chooses to black out a bunch of info, just seeing what went down almost 27 years ago would be nice.  At least I’d know SOMETHING.

So do I pay the money for the information?  I’ve been told different stories by different people and I’d like to know who’s telling the truth once and for all.  The truth… is that really so much to ask?